The top X Ys of all time
Greatest of all time? Really?
The dreaded "top X Ys" list. Every writer worth his or her salt has written one -- some websites have even made it their preferred format.
Why? It's generally easy to write, so subjective that any disagreement is easily shrugged off, and for some reason, people eat this shit up. Perhaps because it follows the three rules of internet writing:
- Uses bullet points and headings
- Provides little new information
- Pisses people off
Here's how to make you own top X Ys list. It works no matter what you're listing.
1. Prove you're not crazy
You have to start off your list with some things that people generally agree are "good." Is your list about books? Check out the NYT bestseller's list. Movies? Rotten tomatoes. Games? Metacritic.
Whatever you do, don't make it obvious that you haven't watched / read / played these things. Parrot some of the oft-given praise, or read its Wikipedia page and come up with something that is a bit off the beaten path but still plausible.
2. Light the fuse
If people actually wanted to know the top X Ys, they would go to the sources that semi-objectively determine these things, like Metacritic. No, the people reading your stupid list want their minds to be blown. But you want them to keep reading to the end, so just mix it up a little bit.
At this point you want to acknowledge the oddness of your choices. Your choice isn't really your choice, it's a sign of later things to come, or something like that. That keeps up the veil of relative sanity while you prepare your explosive crazy finish.
- In a list of top scientific breakthroughs, make a wild claim, then later on explain that it's not feasible (see number 4)
- In a list of top movies, put in When Harry Met Sally, noting that it's good "if you were forced watch a romantic comedy."
3. Introduce the dark horse
This choice is the reason you wanted to write a top X Ys article in the first place. Maybe you were paid to include it in the list, or maybe you just have way better taste than everyone else, but no one sees this coming, nor will they ever see it again because this item exists only in your list and in your mind.
- In a list of top video games, put in some iPhone puzzle game.
- In a list of top books, put in one that you authored yourself.
4. Blow everyone's mind
By this point, you've said all you wanted to say. You got your dark horse in there (not at number one, you're crazy, not stupid) and people are generally agreeing with you. It's go time. Your number one pick has to be batshit insane.
Pick something polarizing, to pull in the fans and the haters. That makes up about 95% of all people, so you've got a good chance of some comments. Because that's really what you want, right, is some comments as some kind of objective measure that you -- by way of your writing -- matter.
- In a list of TV shows, choose Buffy. Nobody polarizes like Joss fucking Whedon.
- In a list of vampire movies, I mean, Twilight is the obvious choice.
By the way, if you liked this, comment, so that I know that I matter!